It started with the Berlin Brothel. Lord knows why a brothel in Berlin decided to follow me on Twitter. I don’t live in Berlin. I’ve never worked in a brothel. Don’t think I’ve even typed the word ‘brothel’ before now. I certainly haven’t said it out loud.
Then some wag from Crime Writers of Canada said: “Maybe they’ve read your first book Rowena Through the Wall. That’s it! You have a following in Germany. The girls who work there have to do something in their downtime.”
Let me do a cyberspace blush here. Okay, my first book is a little hot. “Hot and hilarious” as one reviewer put it. But it’s not x-rated. It’s not even R, according to my daughter. (Husband has yet to read it. We’ve hidden it well.)
Then friend Alison said: “It’s a brothel! Maybe your latest crime comedy, The Goddaughter’s Revenge, is required reading by the owners.”
But back to Berlin. I didn’t follow them back.
Somehow, that didn’t matter. The word was out.
‘Amateurvids’ announced they were following me. Good, I thought. I like nature films. Take it from me, this outfit doesn’t film bunnies in the wild. Well, maybe a certain type of wild bunny.
I didn’t follow them back.
Then ‘Dick Amateur’ showed up, wanting to connect. Friend Gloria read a few of his posts and said: “You at least deserve a Pro.”
So I didn’t follow him back.
Next, I got “Swingersconnect” following me. Swingers? I get sick on a tire hanging from a tree.
I didn’t follow them back.
‘Thepornfiles’ were next in line. I didn’t peek.
Then two days ago, an outfit specializing in ‘male penis enhancement’ turned up. Now, I ask you. Do I look like a male in my profile photo? Is Melodie a male name? And not to be pedantic, but isn’t ‘male’ in front of the p-word a bit redundant? Is there any other kind?
Which brings me to the tweet in my twitter-box today: “Hey sexy porn gerl!” (yes, that’s girl with an e). Let me state categorically that I am not now and have never been a “sexy porn gerl” (with an ‘e’ or any other vowel).
You wouldn’t want me to be. No one would. For one thing, I can’t see two feet in front of me without glasses. Things that used to be perky now swing south. And my back hurts if I bend over to pick up a
grape.
So I’m not following them back.
Melodie Campbell is the Executive Director of Crime Writers of Canada. You can follow her comedy at www.melodiecampbell.com
2 comments:
LOL, Melodie! I've had way too many blush-worthy followers myself. I never follow back the ones that are obviously ads from 'working girls' and those that want to share intimate vids with me.
Hilarious! My sister with a male name got a lot of spam email for penis enhancement. Now even I with my feminine name am getting them.
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