The Impotence of Editing

Novel Spaces is in its 10th year! Over the coming months we'll be featuring some of the most popular posts from our archives. This one was first published April 26, 2012.  Enjoy!

By William Doonan

After reading Jewel's excellent post, I wanted to add my two cents about editing. 

With the possible exception of marketing, the most onerous task a writer faces is editing.  I can pull a character out of a hat.  Here’s one now – Ned.  Setting – abandoned donut shop north of Muncie.  Plot – middle-aged taxidermist despairs of finding love in a post-apocalyptic world.  Theme – unending gloom.  Title – Mounted. 

Tell me you’re not dying to know what happens.  I can write it.  The only problem is that when I’m done, it will be riddled with errors.  And when I go back to edit it, it will look just fine to me.

The reason is simple.  As readers, we are trained to ignore the connective tissue of written language.  Punctuation becomes invisible, pacing is ignored, anomalies are forgiven, and dialog tags fade into the background.  And because all writers are readers, we fall into a trap.  We overlook the same things.  And when we make mistakes in the connective tissue of our own story, we don’t notice.

I’ll use a short story to illustrate my point.

Mounted – Chapter 1

Ned’s hands shook as he glued the beak onto the stuffed bat.  “Damn, he shouted, throwing his tweezers onto the ground, realizing he had glued the beak onto the back of the bat’s head by mistake.  “Damn post-apocalyptic word!”

__________________

Good, isn’t it?  But there are problems.  There is no close-quote after the first Damn.  There’s no such thing as a post-apocalyptic word (unless there is), and bats don’t have beaks.

Mounted – Chapter 2

Oriole shivered, her ragged hoodie no match for the evening chill.  If only her sisters had left Muncie before the troubles.  If Robin and Grackle were here, surely one of them would know how to stat a fire. 

Hugging her poncho tight, Oriole stepped gingerly around the piles of brand-new disposable lighters that littered the road like gemstones, shimmering in the sunrise. 

Up ahead, she saw something flicker in an abandoned donut shop.  It could be a campfire.  She approached carefully.  “It could be another gang of surfers,” she groaned, remembering her last encounter.

__________________

I know, right – you’re hooked.  So hooked you might be willing to overlook the slovenly writing.  You can’t stat a fire.  And the pacing is off.  First it’s evening, then three lines later it’s sunrise.  Is she wearing a hoodie or a poncho?  Surfers don’t form gangs.  And you can’t groan something.  Really, you can’t.  And even if you could, you shouldn’t.

Mounted – Chapter 3

Ned was gluing the last tail feather when he heard the door chime.  He turned away from the peacock as the girl entered.  She was the first human he’d seen since….since the troubles began.  “Damn Buffet Rule,” he gurgled, staring at her.  She was gorgeous.  Mid-twenties, maybe five foot two, mixed Scottish and Mexican heritage, judging by the poncho she wore and the pan of haggis she carried. 

Oriole came forward and knelt by the fire.  She rubbed her hands together

Ned carried the peacock to the display case, and set it next the owls and ducks and penguins, the product of his labor these long years.  Then he approached her.  He extended a hand but she cringed, spotting a distinctive feather that clung to his sleeve. 

“Is that spotted owl?”

Ned beamed.  “Do you do taxidermy too?”

Oriole shrieked as her eyes darted around the room.  “You…you kill them.”

“Well, yes,” he said.  “Otherwise they fuss when you try to stuff them.”

She shook her head sadly. 

What’s wrong?

“Im an ornithologist.”

__________________

Problems?  Actually, this part is pretty good if you can ignore the missing quotation marks, and the fact that you can’t gurgle words. Would the door chime still work?  The word I’m needs an apostrophe. 

Mounted – Conclusion

“I’m not currently in need of eye care,” Ned told her, eyeing her lustfully. 

“Not ophthalmology,” Oriole said, “ornithology – I study birds, I love birds.  I come from a long line of bird lovers.  I could never love a man who, who, who…”

“Shh.” Ned put a finger on her lips.  “You sound like that owl I strangled last week.  Look, we might have our differences, but we can make it.   At least we’ll have each other.  We can forget about the zombies for awhile?”

Oriole pulled back.  “There are zombies?”

“Probably not,” Ned said as he kissed her.  “I mean, I haven’t seen any but you never know.” 

“This is so wrong,” she said, kissing him back hungrily.  “I could never love a man like you.”

“We’ll make it work,” he said, gingery removing her poncho and her hoodie, and setting her haggis aside. 

“Tell me how this is going to end.”  She tore at his clothes, spilling the contents of his pockets.  Ear pins, wing screws, and spools of tail wire tangled with beak nuts of assorted sizes.  “Tell me how this is going to end.”

Ned took her in his arms, remembering the title of his story.

__________________

Problems?    How can he talk while kissing her?  Seriously, there’s way too much kissing dialog here.  Also, there’s no such thing as a beak nut. 

OK, so how can we avoid an editing nightmare?  Here are four ideas:

1)      Go to the TOOLS bar in Microsoft Word, and turn on the GRAMMAR AND STYLE checker.  It will drive you crazy.  But it will save you grief.

2)      Unless you’re willing to pay an editor, you’ll need some editing software.  I like PerfectIt from Intelligent Editing.  It will find mistakes you missed.  At $49, it’s a bargain, and you can download a preview for free.

3)      Read your story out loud.  Read it slowly as if you were recording an audiobook.  Also, try to sound like Morgan Freeman.  Reading out loud keeps you honest.  You won’t be able to ignore your mistakes.  

4)      Find a writing partner you can trust, someone who’s willing to look you in the eye and laugh uncontrollably at your story if that’s what’s called for.  If they can’t do that, find someone else.

Guest Author Nerissa Golden: Beta Testers My New Must Have

I am that woman who will inbox my blogger and author friends and tell them I found an error. It isn’t to be picky but because errors distract and make it more difficult for readers to connect with your work. First impressions still count and too many errors frustrate me, and I may or may not finish the book. As many authors today self-publish and print on-demand, it is much easier to fix errors on the fly. It is even easier if you’re a blogger or your book is digital as changes can be made almost instantly.

So, I was most disturbed to find not one, not two, but more errors that I dare to confess in my first novel Love’s Sweet Joy, almost one year after it was released. Had it been edited? Yes, and I was happy with the story and the finished product. My readers clearly were too as they raved about the book, but no one said, “I found an error”, except one friend. Thanks to my sister who clearly is as anal as I am about writing, (chalk that up to having a mother who was a primary school teacher) I was able to fix a few wrongs. She did not hesitate to mark up pages of her ebook to show me the error of my ways. I was disappointed that I had to make numerous corrections and yet very relieved that I could improve on the final product.

Finally, someone was telling me the truth and not merely saying “it was great.” It took her two days to read the book due to other commitments. Back in the day (before children) a novel or two or three was nothing to read in a day. She helped me make my book truly great and hopefully now error-free. My sister also validated my work and my efforts to honor some elements of our childhood in the places and foods I wove into the story. She remarked that it was a beautiful way to honor my parents.

Beta readers are now going to be a part of my editing process going forward. These readers don’t need to be my friend or a relative but they must be willing to give me honest feedback on the storyline and also help catch those errors that an author totally misses after the tenth time of seeing reading their manuscript.

I enjoy reading and I always spot the errors in books and I would hate for people to find an endless supply of errors in mine. Do you use beta readers? What is the process you use to make sure your books are reader ready?

Nerissa Golden is the editor of Montserrat’s top digital travel and information platform Discover Montserrat.

The former journalist and international speaker is the author of seven books. In 2017, she released the first two novels in the Return to Love series of romantic fiction, set in her picturesque homeland. Follow her on nerissagolden.com or @trulynerissa on Twitter.

Got a NaNoWriMo Hangover?

The cure for a National Novel Writing Month is this: Put that 50K bad boy in a drawer and SIT ON IT until- NaNoEdMo! AKA National Novel Editing Month! 

Recently I went to Orycon and I went to a panel with an agent and editor. And during the Q&A I asked if the agent saw a spike in submissions after NaNoWriMo and before I could even the finish the question his eyes were rolling. He said December sees a definite increase of submissions, many of them being people's all too recently finished NaNoWriMo novels.

You may think your NaNo looks like this: 

But in all likelihood it's closer to this:

Don't despair though! With a few months off and some concerted effort you may just wind up like this:

That's where NaNoEdMo comes in. It takes place in March, which means you HAVE to drawer that book for three months. Don't look at it, don't think about, just ignore the crap out of it until March! Then in March, pledge to edit for 50 hours. Yes, 50 hours! And depending on how much of a hot mess your rough draft is (and that's exactly what a NaNo novel is) you may need more. Whatever you do, resist the urge to submit it ANYWHERE. Resist the urge to inflict it on your friends and family. Because you don't want to be THAT author.

The point is to give yourself perspective on the work. Which is something we should ALL do. 

And even if you didn't participate in NaNoWriMo you can still sign on for NaNoEdMo and edit that work you've been meaning to. Admit it, you have a few pieces that you haven't got around to yet. I know I have an editing backlog that is clamoring for attention. 

So, are you on board?

Preparing for Writing Retreats

I am actually heading to my second writing retreat of the year! Last March I attended the Rainforest Writer's Village and later this month I am headed to the Oregon SCBWI Fall Retreat. The aim of each retreat is different and I'll be taking different tools with me.

The Rainforest Writer's Retreat had no (or at least terrible) internet and little to no cell service. I went there with the intent to start my next Middle Grade novel in a distraction free zone with other writers. I brought with me pencil, paper, a 3-ring binder, and the reference material I needed to get a start on the first draft. I've probably mentioned this before, but I hand write all my first drafts. So while most of the other authors there were on their computers I was writing away on my loose-leaf binder paper.

But my plan for the SCBWI Annual Retreat is very different. The novel I started in March is done-- well, the hot mess of a first draft is done. But now I need to edit that book! So I'm going to take my shiny new laptop to the SCBWI Fall Retreat. And because the retreat facility has wi-fi I'll be able to look things up on the internet *coughplayFacebookgames*.

If you go to a retreat of any kind, it helps to plan ahead. Here are some things to ask yourself before you go.

-- What are my goals? Figure out your writing goals before you go. Depending on how social the retreat is and how much you feel like participating you may or may not achieve those goals. But at least you'll have an idea of what to pack writing-wise.

-- What amenities does the facility have? Will you have access to wi-fi? Cell service? Do you WANT access to these things? It will help you determine if you bring your technology with you or not. You may be looking for a distraction free zone, or you may need to the internet for fun and help. 

--Bring back up! Don't forget the back up if you take a computer! A thumb-drive if  you don't have internet. If you do have internet, email yourself your awesome manuscript. If you are like me and like to hand write then bring lots of pens, pencils, and paper.

--Bring something to take notes on. Computer, notebook, whatever. There will be presentations that you'll want to take notes in. At least that's me :) I take notes on everything.

So wish me luck and I'll report back to you next month!

Marking Text - Some Guidelines for Authors

This month I decided to share a link (below) that I found very helpful as far as guidelines for marking text in your story. Particularly, when do you italicize, underline, or use quotation marks, etc.? I always receive style sheets guideline notes from copy editors (who use the Chicago Manual of Style) as far as formatting my works, but when you self-pub, it's really helpful to know, especially how song titles, book titles, TV titles, etc., are to be shown so that they stand out uniformly - some are italicized and with some you can use quotation marks. The link includes a lot of other good consistency tips as well.

Ex: With songs: I italicize the name of the album, but for the name of the song I use quotation marks.

I hope this helps those who needed to know. And I do not take credit for this link, as it is a great post on The Editor's Blog, which I find very helpful. This one was written by fiction editor, Beth Hill.

If you have any tips that work for you, please feel free to let us know.

Write on!

Marking Text, Choosing Between Italics and Quotation Marks - The Editor's Blog

Guest author Nuala Ní Chonchúir: Editing - The Relief Stage of Novel Writing

Nuala Ní Chonchúir

Nuala Ní Chonchúir was born in Dublin, Ireland in 1970; she lives in East Galway. Her fourth short Mother America was published by New Island in 2012. A chapbook of flash Of Dublin and Other Fictions was published in the US in late 2013 by Tower Press and Nuala’s second novel The Closet of Savage Mementos appeared April 2014 from New Island. Nuala's third novel, Miss Emily, appears 2015 from Penguin USA and Penguin Canada. 
story collection




I love to edit my novels; I think of it as the Relief Stage of writing. The first draft is there – a real and tangible story has been concocted – and now it is time to make it as elegant and shapely as possible. I love it despite the fact I have developed RSI from all the editing I have been doing in the last few months. It’s a task that requires such close attention that I have been hunched over my laptop for hours, not taking regular breaks, madly tapping at the keyboard. There is an urgency about the editing stage that makes for a frenetic life and, for me now, a sore neck and arms.

I have been in the weird position for the past few months of putting two novels to bed at the same time. I was still making adjustments to my just-published second novel The Closet of Savage Mementos days before it went to print in March. I made fifty changes (small ones) to the final proofs. I am sure that did not endear me to the publishing house, but I was shocked to still find repeated words and bockety sentences in the MS so late in the editorial process and they had to go. A writing friend is convinced that the repeated words we banish from our novels creep back into the manuscript at night, while we sleep.

My third novel Miss Emily (due 2015), about Emily Dickinson and her Irish maid, was bought by Penguin USA and Canada in late January and my editors there sent me 17 pages of editorial notes to consider while writing my second draft. I had six weeks to ready that draft. It turned into an intense time of re-reading research and trying to get everything right; of thinking about my characters lives before the action in the novel takes place in 1866/1867. What formed them? How did the people they used to be bring them to where they are? The work was close and time-consuming (all consuming!) but deeply satisfying.

For The Closet of Savage Mementos, which concerns a love affair between 21 year old Irish girl Lillis and 51 year old Scottish man Struan, the managing editor at New Island met with me over breakfast in Dublin to discuss changes that I might like to make. He recommended fleshing out conversations, having deeper reactions to shocking news, and the tying up of a loose end concerning one character who seemed to just disappear from the story. These suggestions from someone who is ‘cold’ – and by that I mean someone who is outside the story – are enormously helpful to a writer. It is amazing the basic mistakes that linger in a manuscript even after we have edited it several times to our own satisfaction before submitting it to the publisher. I implemented his suggestions and was so much more pleased with the novel then.

I consider myself a bit of a perfectionist (or nit-picking control freak, whichever) so I am always surprised at the vast amount of copy-editing issues and annoying inconsistencies that I and my editors find in my manuscripts. But I love the buzz of working really closely on the MS towards the end, trying very hard to get everything right. I read the text aloud from start to finish to attempt to catch any unwieldy sentences and those nasty repeated words, especially. I always find that over the course of a novel I have obsession words – ones that appear again and again for no good reason other than that they are lodged in my brain. The Closet of Savage Mementos is set in the Highlands of Scotland mostly, so naturally some words will be there often (loch, mountain, sea) but my editor pointed out that the words ‘hover’, ‘grunt’ and ‘manic’ appeared frequently. I’m still not sure what those words say about my state of mind while writing that novel!

I urge those starting out on the novel writing life to embrace editing fully. Learn to become your own best editor firstly and, after that, listen to the professionals who genuinely want to help you make your book the best it can be. The great editor is like an invisible mentor – she is not all over the pages of your book, rather she steers you along, helping you to see how you can improve things. The hope is that you both have the same vision for your novel and, when that is the case, things can go very well indeed for both you and for your book.

The Author Says... I hear

 I Recently accompanied a group of fifth graders on their field trip to the Statue of Liberty.  While walking into the Pedestal of the impressive statue we stopped in the museum.  Depicted were many of the ways the Statue of Liberty was exploited in advertising.  We saw Lady Liberty eating hamburgers, with sun glasses advertising travel and in weird pants advertising something that I just don’t remember.
One advertisement stood out.  On it was picture of lady liberty pointing her index finger over the waters.  The caption read, “If you want to make America better, leave the country!”

The kids I was chaperoning gasped.  One of them said to me, “That is mean!”

And I agreed.  I thought they were telling immigrants to go back to their countries.  Until I read the rest of the advertisement.

It was an advertisement for the Peace Corps.  The message was, if you want to make America better, leave the country, go to developing countries to serve and come back with your new experiences to contribute to the building of America.  The message was quite the opposite of our interpretation.
Now enlightened I explained to the kid, “It’s not mean at all.  It’s just a clever way to advertise service in the Peace Corps.”

She replied, “Well they didn’t have to phrase it that way.”

So I used it as an opportunity to discuss with them about saying things that may be perceived differently to what you mean.

This is also true of writing.  Many times we writers pen words with a certain message we would like to convey.  However, sometimes those same words are interpreted differently, even in cases opposite to the message we are trying to convey.  Unfortunately it is inescapable.  However with good editing we may be able to minimize it so that we convey the message we want.

I recall a conversation I had in one of my manuscripts submitted for publishing.  In it the lead character asks a child she was babysitting if he wanted to bake cookies.  He responded that cooking was for girls after which she said she would have to have a talk with his father.  When she told his father his son was baking cookies his response was to suggest she was making a sissy out of him.  He went on to give his very strong opinion of kids making decisions about sexual orientation before they are old enough to even understand the meanings. She sarcastically warned that with that attitude he was raising a homophobic male chauvinist.   My editor called me and told me to strike that conversation.
I asked her why.  She said it could be perceived that the author is homophobic and it is best not to alienate any social group or potential readers.  I didn’t see it that way.  I thought I was being open-minded and the conversation was balanced featuring opposing opinions on the issue.  I modified it anyway.

Good editing does not mean people will not interpret what you write in their very own way.  It just means you will have a clearer message that reduces the misinterpretations.  Whether in speech or in writing there are always two interpretations to the message: the one that the writer/speaker intends to convey and the one that the reader/listener hears.

Editorial direction

Read some old rejection letters the other day. Found them going through one of my famous anonymous boxes – taped to withstand nuclear holocaust but devoid of any hint as to what may be inside. In this case it was: all of my notes from the period in the early 90s when Valerie had convinced me to write romance novels with her – including the first third of one and detailed narrative summaries of two others; several notebooks of observations, ideas, experiments, etc. – none particularly interesting; eighteen 10x13 manila envelopes, each with a short story that never sold, complete with a checklist of publications to which I'd submitted them and all the rejection letters.

Let me first say that I will not be sending any of these stories out again. There are reasons they never sold. But I may retread some of the ideas – use them to launch completely different stories. But I did send each of them to at least six, and in one case nine, markets. I didn't realize then that I was giving up too easily – there were a lot of small and regional markets I didn't know enough to pursue. In my own defense, I didn't have the internet then and finding diverse markets of that type was difficult. Although that's not much of a defense – difficult does not mean impossible and lots of writers did build up publication track records with out-of-the-way and small markets. I suspect it was just lack of stictuitiveness on my part – or perhaps a hubris that allowed me to see only national markets – I don't now recall.

But the rejection letters were interesting reading. Even twenty years ago personal rejection letters were rare. I had one, which I'll get to in a minute. No, the interesting bits were the hand-written notes at the bottom of the form letters – or in some cases on the first page of the story. (In those days if you included a stamped and self-addressed #10 envelope the magazine would send you the rejection letter and first page of the story so you'd know what had been rejected. I assume they used the rest of the mss pages for ceremonial bonfires or something similar.)

"Not enough story here." Mystified me in '92, but now I see what he meant. The work in question was more a vignette or a slice of life than a narrative.
"Good writing." (Several times.) Significant in that one editor would write this and the next would send an unmarked form letter for one story and then they would reverse roles on the next story. In other words, each editor was an individual and each saw my work differently. No absolutes.
"Very, very close!" Both gratifying and frustrating; mostly frustrating. What made it close? What made it miss?
"Enjoyed the story. Totally wrong for us. Read the magazine and send something we can use." Esquire nailed me. Never, ever send a story to a market you haven't read – editors can tell when you don't do your homework.
"Better." This is pretty exciting – it means the editor remembered my name and thought my work was improving. (Or he could have thought I was someone else, but let's not go there.) Fact is, send enough stuff out and editors will start to recognize your name. Remember, every editor wants to discover the next Rowling or Collins or King; they pay attention to who sends them what.
"This is fantasy." Stanley Schmidt, editor of science fiction icon Analog, wrote that on the bottom of a letter rejecting a story about people who could cause things to be by believing in them – things that would break down or disappear if you doubted them. It was a story about self-delusion (I may use that idea for a different story).
Mr. Schmidt's comment led to my only hand-written rejection letter actually addressed to me. Acting on his assessment, I submitted the story to Marion Zimmer Bradley's Fantasy Magazine. In a paragraph on the back of the story's first page Ms. Bradley noted a couple of things she liked about my writing (mostly my sentences) but concluded: "If there is an element of fantasy to this story we have failed to find it."

About seven years after these letters and stories, in 1999, an editor wrote "rough spots lose readers" below his pre-printed signature. That insight led me to realize the "dramatic" and/or unexpected scene changes of which I was so fond were more jarring than exciting; they broke up the narrative flow and threw the reader out of the story as she tried to figure out what just happened. My next submission to that editor had solid transitions and eschewed pyrotechnics. He bought it.

My point is that while rejection notes may be maddeningly vague, they often contain useful information. Do not rewrite your story based on what you think the editor might have meant. (And remember different editors will have different takes on, different insights into your work.) Be alert to patterns and recurring themes – if you're getting similar notes from different sources there's an area of your work you probably should examine. By being alert and being responsive you increase your sales and get your name – and your stories – out to the world.

Why I Probably Won't Buy Your Self-Published Book

I have nothing against independent publishing. In fact, my two Kindles probably contain hundreds of books between them, I have many friends who self-publish, and I intend to self-publish an e-book later this year. I like saving money. I like not having to buy more bookcases.

But most of the intriguing-sounding independently published e-books I take a look at on Amazon.com  I don't buy...even when they're free. I don't want to waste my time downloading or starting to read a bad book. So I take a careful look at the e-book's page first. And I often find warning signs that a book is poorly written, poorly edited (and thus unreadable for me, although I know people who don't notice poor editing), or both.

These are the clues I use to decide whether a book is badly written or edited:

• The title contains a misspelling or a grammar error.
• The title is stupid or a cliché. (Word play on a cliché is okay.)
• The descriptive paragraph contains more than two misspellings or grammar errors.
• Most or all of the sentences in the descriptive paragraph are confusing or awkward.
• The descriptive paragraph contains so many vague words I have no idea what the book is about.
• The descriptive paragraph makes the book sound just like 2,000 other Tolkien take-offs.
• The described plot contains standard-issue vampires, werewolves, fairies, or other stock fantasy characters with no apparent original twist.
• Most of the good reviews read as if they were written by people who don't usually read books or who have never written a review before. (Family member alert!)
• Most of the reviews are full of grammar errors, bad sentences, and misspellings, making me skeptical of the reviewers' ability to recognize a good book if they saw one.
• The bad reviews mention poor editing or formatting.
• The bad reviews discuss at length the lack of plot, poor plotting, paper-thin characters, unbelievable actions, or other evidence of poor writing.

Unfortunately, 80% or 90% of the e-books I'm tempted by have at least one of these flaws, and I move on.
 
Do you care about poor editing or formatting in the e-books you read? If a book is free, are you willing to read it even if the story bores or irritates you? Or are you fussy, like me, in what books you choose to purchase, download, and read?


I'm glad you stopped by my post today. I'll be blogging again on May 21. Hope to see you then!

—Shauna Roberts

The Impotence of Editing

After reading Jewel's excellent post, I wanted to add my two cents about editing. 

With the possible exception of marketing, the most onerous task a writer faces is editing.  I can pull a character out of a hat.  Here’s one now – Ned.  Setting – abandoned donut shop north of Muncie.  Plot – middle-aged taxidermist despairs of finding love in a post-apocalyptic world.  Theme – unending gloom.  Title – Mounted. 

Tell me you’re not dying to know what happens.  I can write it.  The only problem is that when I’m done, it will be riddled with errors.  And when I go back to edit it, it will look just fine to me.

The reason is simple.  As readers, we are trained to ignore the connective tissue of written language.  Punctuation becomes invisible, pacing is ignored, anomalies are forgiven, and dialog tags fade into the background.  And because all writers are readers, we fall into a trap.  We overlook the same things.  And when we make mistakes in the connective tissue of our own story, we don’t notice.

I’ll use a short story to illustrate my point.

Mounted – Chapter 1

Ned’s hands shook as he glued the beak onto the stuffed bat.  “Damn, he shouted, throwing his tweezers onto the ground, realizing he had glued the beak onto the back of the bat’s head by mistake.  “Damn post-apocalyptic word!”

__________________

Good, isn’t it?  But there are problems.  There is no close-quote after the first Damn.  There’s no such thing as a post-apocalyptic word (unless there is), and bats don’t have beaks.

Mounted – Chapter 2

Oriole shivered, her ragged hoodie no match for the evening chill.  If only her sisters had left Muncie before the troubles.  If Robin and Grackle were here, surely one of them would know how to stat a fire. 

Hugging her poncho tight, Oriole stepped gingerly around the piles of brand-new disposable lighters that littered the road like gemstones, shimmering in the sunrise. 

Up ahead, she saw something flicker in an abandoned donut shop.  It could be a campfire.  She approached carefully.  “It could be another gang of surfers,” she groaned, remembering her last encounter.

__________________

I know, right – you’re hooked.  So hooked you might be willing to overlook the slovenly writing.  You can’t stat a fire.  And the pacing is off.  First it’s evening, then three lines later it’s sunrise.  Is she wearing a hoodie or a poncho?  Surfers don’t form gangs.  And you can’t groan something.  Really, you can’t.  And even if you could, you shouldn’t.

Mounted – Chapter 3

Ned was gluing the last tail feather when he heard the door chime.  He turned away from the peacock as the girl entered.  She was the first human he’d seen since….since the troubles began.  “Damn Buffet Rule,” he gurgled, staring at her.  She was gorgeous.  Mid-twenties, maybe five foot two, mixed Scottish and Mexican heritage, judging by the poncho she wore and the pan of haggis she carried. 

Oriole came forward and knelt by the fire.  She rubbed her hands together

Ned carried the peacock to the display case, and set it next the owls and ducks and penguins, the product of his labor these long years.  Then he approached her.  He extended a hand but she cringed, spotting a distinctive feather that clung to his sleeve. 

“Is that spotted owl?”

Ned beamed.  “Do you do taxidermy too?”

Oriole shrieked as her eyes darted around the room.  “You…you kill them.”

“Well, yes,” he said.  “Otherwise they fuss when you try to stuff them.”

She shook her head sadly. 

What’s wrong?

“Im an ornithologist.”

__________________

Problems?  Actually, this part is pretty good if you can ignore the missing quotation marks, and the fact that you can’t gurgle words. Would the door chime still work?  The word I’m needs an apostrophe. 

Mounted – Conclusion

“I’m not currently in need of eye care,” Ned told her, eyeing her lustfully. 

“Not ophthalmology,” Oriole said, “ornithology – I study birds, I love birds.  I come from a long line of bird lovers.  I could never love a man who, who, who…”

“Shh.” Ned put a finger on her lips.  “You sound like that owl I strangled last week.  Look, we might have our differences, but we can make it.   At least we’ll have each other.  We can forget about the zombies for awhile?”

Oriole pulled back.  “There are zombies?”

“Probably not,” Ned said as he kissed her.  “I mean, I haven’t seen any but you never know.” 

“This is so wrong,” she said, kissing him back hungrily.  “I could never love a man like you.”

“We’ll make it work,” he said, gingery removing her poncho and her hoodie, and setting her haggis aside. 

“Tell me how this is going to end.”  She tore at his clothes, spilling the contents of his pockets.  Ear pins, wing screws, and spools of tail wire tangled with beak nuts of assorted sizes.  “Tell me how this is going to end.”

Ned took her in his arms, remembering the title of his story.

__________________

Problems?    How can he talk while kissing her?  Seriously, there’s way too much kissing dialog here.  Also, there’s no such thing as a beak nut. 

OK, so how can we avoid an editing nightmare?  Here are four ideas:

1)      Go to the TOOLS bar in Microsoft Word, and turn on the GRAMMAR AND STYLE checker.  It will drive you crazy.  But it will save you grief.

2)      Unless you’re willing to pay an editor, you’ll need some editing software.  I like PerfectIt from Intelligent Editing.  It will find mistakes you missed.  At $49, it’s a bargain, and you can download a preview for free.

3)      Read your story out loud.  Read it slowly as if you were recording an audiobook.  Also, try to sound like Morgan Freeman.  Reading out loud keeps you honest.  You won’t be able to ignore your mistakes.  

4)      Find a writing partner you can trust, someone who’s willing to look you in the eye and laugh uncontrollably at your story if that’s what’s called for.  If they can’t do that, find someone else.